Bachelor In Paradise S3E1 Recap: Hurricane Chase

It's been less than twenty four hours since the not-so-shocking Bachelorette Finale, and we already have to deal with Chris Harrison telling us about "The shocking season to come." On a completely serious note, I am VERY concerned about Chris Harrison. When you think about it, there is almost never a time when ABC isn't shooting either The Bachelor, The Bachelorette or Bachelor In Paradise. All of these shows require long hours and constant traveling. How long can this guy keep this up? If you're not familiar with Bachelor in Paradise, it's essentially a show where producers take a bunch of hott Bachelor/Bachelorette rejects and stick them on an island. Genius. I was especially excited for this season of BIP because this year's seasons of The Bachelor and the Bachelorette were the most boring and predictable of the whole franchise. 

We begin the show with a beautifully edited 80's inspired intro which I fully support. One of my favorite things about this show is that it's aware of how completely ridiculous it is. The fact that the producers found a man willing to drip maple syrup over his body in a Canadian speedo on national television really puts a pep in my step. But I digress. Let's take a look at some of this season's characters. 

The Twins:

Is there anything worse than a pair of twins who constantly feel the need to announce that they're different, yet dress exactly the same? I think not. There's something really disturbing about the twins being on the show. It could be because they're only twenty three and have already succumb to the hell of reality dating shows. Even more disturbing is that the twins are considered one person on the show- I'm not kidding. If a dude gives one of them a rose, they both stay. It's pretty fucked up, yet somehow it's so, so right. 

Nick Viall: 

Almost nothing in the world makes me happier than seeing Nick's lower third read "35, Runner-up." If you're not familiar with Nick, he came in second on two separate seasons of the Bachelorette. Shout out to the editor who found both clips of Nick being dumped and decided to play them back to back. There's something about Nick that seems a little less douchey this time around, but I'd still be completely fine with him somehow coming in second on a show where that's not even possible. 

Jubilee:

I'm gonna go on a whim and say that Jubilee is probably my favorite contestant to come out of the disaster that is the Bachelor franchise.  I love a girl who is aware of her flaws. "People always tell me that I look very unapproachable." Her resting bitch face gives me life, quite honestly. I'm a little worried for Jubs though. Based on future previews it doesn't look like she'll last on the island very long, although that's probably a good thing. The guys on this island are god awful.

Evan aka The Penis Guy:

I can't believe I have to watch this guy on my television screen again. If you're not familiar with Evan, he is an erectile dysfunction specialist with three children who spent almost all of last season bitching about how Chad ripped his ten dollar H&M shirt. Evan reminds me of that substitute teacher who tries to be cool but just winds up being a pushover. 
Jubilee: "What's his name again? I don't wanna just call him the Penis Guy."
Well I'm sorry Jubilee but I, and America, are still going to only refer to him as the Penis Guy. 

Chad:

The wrath of Chad has returned much to our dismay. Don't get me wrong, I love a good crazy person i.e: Olivia, but Chad is just Patrick Bateman-level-psycho. Fortunately, we get to hear the most depressing sentence ever in Chad's voiceover: "Since the Bachelorette, I've just been hanging out with my dog." 

Lace:

Lace is back, but you can forget about the Lace we used to know. Lace has GROWN people! She sticks Post-its to the fridge that say "Love yourself." and she does yoga!! My favorite quote about Lace came from Grant, A.K.A Handsome Squidward: 

drunk-and-hungry.com

"I'm good at reading people, and Lace is a mess." We can't argue with you there, Grant.

Daniel:

I've literally never been less attracted to a human being in my life than Daniel,  and it's not because he's Canadian (okay maybe a little bit.) Daniel does absolutely nothing to redeem his reputation in this week's episode. In fact, he somehow made it worse with too many cringe worthy quotes.
"I was hoping for a few good looking girls but so far I'm not impressed. Nothing I’d really touch.”
If it makes you feel better Daniel, I don't think any of the girls would touch you either. Perhaps the most revealing quote about Daniel's true character is when he says how much he loves rating girls. Honestly guys who constantly rate girls on a scale from 1-10 make me wanna jump into a blender, and Daniel is no exception.

Amanda:

Amanda, who we all know as the girl who said "like" too much on Ben's season, has made a return- and we're just as bored as ever. Amanda got quite a lot of screen time on The Bachelor, yet all I know about her is that she has two daughters, one of which she unfortunately named Kinsley, and that she's one of those annoying girls who posts about hair vitamins on Instagram even though she wears extensions.

I'm almost 100% positive that one of the contestants, Izzy, shouldn't even be there. I've seen every episode of the Bachelor and I've literally never seen this girl once.
Sarah: “I don't know who Izzy is, I've never seen her. She looks like a lot of girls I've seen before.” Same, Sarah. Same. We also get reintroduced to Carly from Sean's season, who claims that she came back to paradise because if she didn't, she'd regret it. Not because she would have to get an actual real job or anything.

Fast forward to tons of shots of people lounging around the pool later, and we get to see the unravelling that is Lace and Chad's three hour relationship. I'm not gonna lie, I was all about it at first. They're both just the right amount of crazy and attractive that they kind of worked. Oh yeah, until Chad drunkenly calls Lace a C-u-next -Tuesday and turns into the Hulk. The shot of Chad out of focus with Lace in the background looking sad is truly a beautiful masterpiece.

Eventually, Chad's antics are too much for even the producers of the show to handle, and he is told to leave the island the next morning.
Chris Harrison: Chad you need to go. You've been rude to the staff of this hotel.
Chad: No I haven't?
Chris Harrison: You told everyone at this hotel last night to "Suck a Dick."

Unfortunately we haven't seen the last of Chad, as he's featured in almost all of the previews for next week *eye roll*. I'm not gonna lie, seeing Chad tell Chris Harrison to go drink a mimosa in a bath robe was pretty amazing, but I just feel like the appeal of this show is that there's so many people on the island to entertain us, that I don't want to focus on just one. Last time I checked, the show wasn't called "Chad In Paradise", but maybe it should be.

Let's be real, we're all just waiting for Ashley I. and her crying testimonials to arrive, right?